A Poem Of Heartbreak

It Still Hurts…

When I think of you

I feel tears coming

When I think of you

I feel fears summoning

What used to be warm

It is now cold

Hard like stones

Fragile as the old

Like mind games

Memories are bittersweet

Who knows what I’ll get

A trick or a treat

Giving everything I’d had

Literally til there was nothing left

Feels as though I died

Years ago, my last breath

Like snowy skies in the darkness

Everything is blurry

Confusion is never the word

Anxiety it is and constant worry

You’ll think it’s over

Because they’ve gone in a spur

But here I lie like it’s okay

In reality, it still hurts

I wrote this after going through the toughest breakup after 5 years. I’ve learned that true enough it’s going to hurt & you’ll take some of those bad vibes with you. Not on purpose but because that’s what you’re used to. Just realize & understand that it’s supposed to hurt so you don’t put yourself through anything to experience that pain again .. You learn what not to go through & what not to settle for going forward.. So while you’re hurting understand that you’re also healing

Sanaa Ali

War On Abandonment

I rarely hear people discuss the seriousness of dealing with abandonment yourself or dealing with someone who has abandonment issues. Like depression, it can be a silent killer and drive you to be suicidal. It’s not something that’s easy to talk about. It’s not something that can be recognized immediately. If you are on a journey to understanding yourself you’ve probably found out on your own that you suffer from many things and one of them may be abandonment. Not really something somebody can tell you or evaluate for you. I found out I suffer from abandonment browsing the internet if we’re being honest. People you deal with seem to always be able to tell you things like you need help or that they don’t know what’s wrong with you. Soon they become a part of things that contribute to your near exploding bottle with a loose cap. 

Identifying The Culprits

People with abandonment issues tend to hide this whether they are aware or not and over time it starts to surface uncontrollably. This affects relationships of all kinds but usually begins with childhood trauma. Everyone experiences different things as a kid and a lot of us grew up harder than many. Although people recommend seeing therapists to identify issues like this it can be done on your own if you’re willing to take the time to identify and acknowledge it as something you are dealing with. After researching the different types of abandonment I was able to pinpoint many things in my childhood and teenage years that affect me right now in my twenties. These things have followed me so closely and affected everything around me when it comes to dealing with people. Let’s discuss them in more detail. I’ll get a little personal to help you understand.

Types Of Abandonment

Avoidant – Won’t allow anyone to get close to them. Can’t open up or trust others. Comes off as distant and withdrawn. 

Anxious – Getting so close and dependent on or in relationships with others. Anxious about being away from your significant other.  Emotionally reactive in conversation or confrontation. Reacting out of fear and frustration of losing someone or losing someone else.

Disorganized – Have problems with remaining connected.  Constantly inconsistent with self and others. Scared of being in a relationship and getting close or attached to people

My childhood traumas that affect me would be growing up in a home of domestic violence. Constantly being told I’ll never be anything in life. Always reminded that I was hated and wished I was never born. Abused emotionally, mentally and physically. Neglected more moments than I can remember. Not feeling loved as a child or growing up. Strict household. Bullied from kindergarten all the way to high school. Kept inside until I met my first best friend. She was later murdered on my 14th birthday. Dad and mom split for good. The list will go on. These are only some of the things I identified in my life that I feel contribute to my abandonment issues. There are many other things I’ve experienced that pan out into the different types of abandonment. Which led me to realize I suffer from all of them and they affect me still to this day.

Cause & Effect

Losing someone of significant meaning to you due to a break up or death. Doesn’t really matter if you’re an adult or child, these issues will practically destroy new and healthy relationships. During childhood, they may have suffered from parents not being there for them as they should’ve been. Being degraded and belittled by a parent. Verbally abused by parents or others. Having only one parent in the home. Having both parents but not being cared for properly. The list can go on forever when discussing childhood trauma. As I said before we all had different experiences leading to something we may have in common.

People suffering from abandonment may seem like the happiest people in the world. They come off to be the kindest people you’ll meet and they’ll do anything for you to avoid losing you. In relationships you may experience someone who needs to know you love them or constantly needing reassurance that you aren’t thinking about leaving them.

Some signs of abandonment issues could be..

 -Giving more than should be or over pleasing

-Overplaying roles in others lives 

-Trust issues with self and others

-Fixated on control of others or letting themselves be controlled by others 

-Settling for less than what is deserved

-Inability to understand and communicate properly

-Hard at listening or always wanting to be heard

Paying More Attention

I could give you the internet version of how to cope with this issue but I’d rather not. I can only tell you that I’m still struggling with it. After losing my last relationship it made me want to start looking more into myself. Sometimes that’s exactly what it takes. After all, failed relationships trigger the feelings of abandonment so here I am. My first step was identifying that I have the issue and the causes of it. Now I’m writing about it which helps a little bit. This is a current journey that I’m going through and just starting to learn how to deal with. I’m hoping to develop a self care plan that I can share with others to help them as I’m trying to help myself. I know I’m not the only one suffering from it and I hope me being open about it helps others cope and want to help better themselves when dealing with their war on abandonment too. I’ll be posting my progress here and if it helps even one person I’ve fulfilled my purpose ..

Love After Toxicity

Meeting someone new is always one of the best feelings ever. Especially if it’s someone completely opposite from what you’re used to dealing with. Of course everyone around you always encourages you to date and mingle as much as possible. Yet, they don’t understand how hard that can be after you’ve been in a toxic relationship. Some of us are in toxic relationships and haven’t quite caught on to it and others are just sticking with it hoping for a change later on. I’m here to say if your relationship has become severely toxic there’s no way to reverse it. I’m one to give a million chances and attempt different ways to tackle a struggle but a toxic relationship is simply not worth the energy. Recovering from a bad relationship could take months and even years. It tends to follow you no matter how much you try to forget about it. That’s what makes it so hard to want to be with someone new. You began to wonder if you’re the right person for them and are you good enough because you weren’t good enough for your ex. You began bringing things from your past relationships into your new one and unless that person has patience and has an understanding heart you’ve pretty much screwed with their head and more than likely made them feel the need to back off. There’s always the thoughts of being hurt and destroyed again and again. Wondering if they will do you the same way your past lovers had. There may be nothing wrong at all with your new partner but just because you’ve been through the worst you’re going to make something wrong because it’s what you’re used to. You question just about everything they do or say because you just feel like everyone is the same after your ex, right? WRONG! Everyone is not the same. No matter how many times this phrase is used. We as humans have to let this mindset go. You’re going to meet someone and they’ll be everything you prayed for but you have to allow them and their energy to move through you so that they can show you that they are different. You have to be willing to accept this new found love and simply dismiss the old. You know for a fact the old love was not for you so why make it so hard for the new love to settle in because you’re scared. You have to trust yourself if you’re going to trust your new lover. Your new lover is already showing you patience and willingness to be there for you during this process so why make it harder. Learning to leave the past in the past is one of the hardest things to do. It is a must that seems impossible. You have to learn to be open with your lover about what you are experiencing even if it’s just one bit at a time. Being a damaged soul happens to the best of us and it’s not easy recovering from the tragedies. Having patience with yourself is also key. It’s not going to happen overnight. You must learn to love again and love the correct way. Avoiding all the negatives that you experienced in the past. Not everyone is out to hurt you. Not everyone is using you or abusing you. Not everyone will come for the moment and leave. Don’t lose someone who could be the best thing that ever happened to you because you can’t let go of what hurt and damaged you in the past. It’s okay to try again. We all feel like we will never love again and then someone comes along and proves us wrong. Be that person who proves someone wrong and be that person who is proven wrong. We all want love .. It’s what we were put here on earth to do. So let them love you if they are trying to love you. Embrace them with open arms as they are doing the same with you. Be strong and be confident that you have found love and it shall be.

” Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever… “