Silent Cries ..

depressed ? but don’t want to say ya depressed bc that’s not what it is you feel you don’t think .. but mentally ? you’re done with a lot of shit 🤦🏽‍♀️😪
you just can’t do it anymore & every day it’s weighing in on you … just don’t want to keep going anymore , don’t really care to exist anymore .. you don’t want to do anything , be anything , feel anything . you become soooo tired , You’re sooooooooo tired 😭😭 & nobody knows cuz you gotta fake a smile everyday .
The worst thing a person told me was “ You no longer live for you , you live for your kids “ which is cool I’m all for it BUT am I selfish for wanting ME TO LIVE ? Because I feel like I’m dying yo , everyday , I feel a little weaker , a little slower , piece by piece I’m fading away .. & nobody understands ! they just tell you , you gon be straight.. it’ll be okay .. well ONE DAY ? It won’t be .. & what you gonna say then ?
so if you love me ? Check on me please !
if you care about me ? Check on me please !
if I mean sumn to ya , CHECK ON ME ! That’s all I ask 💯

War On Abandonment

I rarely hear people discuss the seriousness of dealing with abandonment yourself or dealing with someone who has abandonment issues. Like depression, it can be a silent killer and drive you to be suicidal. It’s not something that’s easy to talk about. It’s not something that can be recognized immediately. If you are on a journey to understanding yourself you’ve probably found out on your own that you suffer from many things and one of them may be abandonment. Not really something somebody can tell you or evaluate for you. I found out I suffer from abandonment browsing the internet if we’re being honest. People you deal with seem to always be able to tell you things like you need help or that they don’t know what’s wrong with you. Soon they become a part of things that contribute to your near exploding bottle with a loose cap. 

Identifying The Culprits

People with abandonment issues tend to hide this whether they are aware or not and over time it starts to surface uncontrollably. This affects relationships of all kinds but usually begins with childhood trauma. Everyone experiences different things as a kid and a lot of us grew up harder than many. Although people recommend seeing therapists to identify issues like this it can be done on your own if you’re willing to take the time to identify and acknowledge it as something you are dealing with. After researching the different types of abandonment I was able to pinpoint many things in my childhood and teenage years that affect me right now in my twenties. These things have followed me so closely and affected everything around me when it comes to dealing with people. Let’s discuss them in more detail. I’ll get a little personal to help you understand.

Types Of Abandonment

Avoidant – Won’t allow anyone to get close to them. Can’t open up or trust others. Comes off as distant and withdrawn. 

Anxious – Getting so close and dependent on or in relationships with others. Anxious about being away from your significant other.  Emotionally reactive in conversation or confrontation. Reacting out of fear and frustration of losing someone or losing someone else.

Disorganized – Have problems with remaining connected.  Constantly inconsistent with self and others. Scared of being in a relationship and getting close or attached to people

My childhood traumas that affect me would be growing up in a home of domestic violence. Constantly being told I’ll never be anything in life. Always reminded that I was hated and wished I was never born. Abused emotionally, mentally and physically. Neglected more moments than I can remember. Not feeling loved as a child or growing up. Strict household. Bullied from kindergarten all the way to high school. Kept inside until I met my first best friend. She was later murdered on my 14th birthday. Dad and mom split for good. The list will go on. These are only some of the things I identified in my life that I feel contribute to my abandonment issues. There are many other things I’ve experienced that pan out into the different types of abandonment. Which led me to realize I suffer from all of them and they affect me still to this day.

Cause & Effect

Losing someone of significant meaning to you due to a break up or death. Doesn’t really matter if you’re an adult or child, these issues will practically destroy new and healthy relationships. During childhood, they may have suffered from parents not being there for them as they should’ve been. Being degraded and belittled by a parent. Verbally abused by parents or others. Having only one parent in the home. Having both parents but not being cared for properly. The list can go on forever when discussing childhood trauma. As I said before we all had different experiences leading to something we may have in common.

People suffering from abandonment may seem like the happiest people in the world. They come off to be the kindest people you’ll meet and they’ll do anything for you to avoid losing you. In relationships you may experience someone who needs to know you love them or constantly needing reassurance that you aren’t thinking about leaving them.

Some signs of abandonment issues could be..

 -Giving more than should be or over pleasing

-Overplaying roles in others lives 

-Trust issues with self and others

-Fixated on control of others or letting themselves be controlled by others 

-Settling for less than what is deserved

-Inability to understand and communicate properly

-Hard at listening or always wanting to be heard

Paying More Attention

I could give you the internet version of how to cope with this issue but I’d rather not. I can only tell you that I’m still struggling with it. After losing my last relationship it made me want to start looking more into myself. Sometimes that’s exactly what it takes. After all, failed relationships trigger the feelings of abandonment so here I am. My first step was identifying that I have the issue and the causes of it. Now I’m writing about it which helps a little bit. This is a current journey that I’m going through and just starting to learn how to deal with. I’m hoping to develop a self care plan that I can share with others to help them as I’m trying to help myself. I know I’m not the only one suffering from it and I hope me being open about it helps others cope and want to help better themselves when dealing with their war on abandonment too. I’ll be posting my progress here and if it helps even one person I’ve fulfilled my purpose ..

Importance of Self-Esteem

Attack on Self-Esteem

Sometimes it’s hard to remain positive & full of love when so much negativity is going on in your life. As we get older we begin to realize how all the things we thought bring us happiness are the same things that bring us sadness. Relationships fail, you lose a job, drop out of school, and start asking yourself questions you don’t have the answers to quite yet. A lot of us fall into sudden depression and anxiety after these types of situations. You also begin to avoid building your self-esteem which eventually affects your life a lot more than you think. It’s like staring up from the bottom of a deep dark hole and no way out in sight. Once your self-esteem is under attack you definitely aren’t the same person you were before. This is the beginning of losing yourself and lacking love for who you are. 

“Take care how you speak to yourself because you are listening..”

Affects of Low Self-Esteem

A low self-esteem can damage the authenticity of our lives in a variety of ways. We grow negativity and negatively everyday that we are under war with ourselves. Negative feelings and thoughts are dramatically taking over. We have relationship issues constantly. Whether it be family, friends, significant others and even co-workers, everyone is affected because of how you feel about yourself. Poor judgemental abilities and giving up easily regarding things that you were once so passionate about. Lack of self care is a BIG ONE. We tend to lose ourselves so much that we don’t even want to get out of bed. You may miss showering and meals throughout the day. Most of us turn to abusing drugs and alcohol to cope with the pain we’re experiencing. We become isolated within ourselves and rather not reach out for help just to simply avoid being judged or belittled for feeling the way we feel. If you noticed I started to use “we” instead of “you” because I am someone who struggled with self-esteem and I understand how hard it is to get yourself back to your healthy self. Although it may seem like it’s easier said than done, trust me it can be done and you’ve already started to process by trying to identify what you’ve experienced.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.”
– Buddha

Rebuilding Self-Esteem

Regardless of what you are going through at the moment I want you to start working toward rebuilding your self-esteem. Start talking and thinking positively of yourself. Even if you’ve had the worst day of your life try to see at least one positive thing in that day and focus on how it made you feel. Stop beating yourself up about life. Whatever you’re working hard for it’s going to come to you as long as you continue to push for it. It doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you are pressing to make it happen, it will happen! Leave the past in the past, learn to forgive others and forgive yourself. This is truthfully easier said than done but I promise if you practice a bit everyday it’ll become natural to you. A big one for me is learning not to worry or be fearful of the future. If you have no idea what’s coming ahead why should you live in fear of it before it even comes. It’s like walking down a dark hallway with a small candle. The candle is only giving you so much light at such a distance but the rest of the way is still dark and unclear. You don’t know what’s there but you do know that if you keep going eventually you will be able to see up ahead more clearly. So why be afraid of the unknown? Be courageous and confident in yourself moving forward. These are all the things I’ve practiced over the last few years in rebuilding my self-esteem. I’m not one hundred percent but I’m definitely far from what I used to be. I still relapse sometimes but I have reminders in place to redirect me to who I am and who I’m becoming. Building self-esteem and keeping yourself happy is the first step to regaining self love. The journey is amazing and you won’t lose anything during this experience. You’ll only gain a better understanding of you and who you are truly meant to be.

I truly hope this article helped many of you facing these struggles today. I hope this article brings you peace and understanding going forward. Positivity is key to self-esteem and self-esteem is key to self love.. 

Be peaceful. Be at peace. -Sanaa Ali